faith confessions

one of the biggest surprises in pursuing our child through adoption: the Gospel reaching through and grabbing my heart. i never expected this.

i'm learning {slowly} that there's a lot of bad theology in my heart. like owning the fear of God making our wait longer simply because my desire to be placed is growing by the day. almost as if He's punishing me for being selfish - for embracing this mama heart. or, because i know there's no physical way russ & i can pay the remainder of the money by ourselves, and because i know He will have to intervene somehow, i wonder if He'll make us "pay" for those years we opted for credit to survive while russ didn't have a job. again, our wait will be longer because we mucked it up a few years ago and now have a hill of debt we're slowly crawling out of - month by month.

i'm not sure where these thoughts come from - and i promise i'm not joking when i admit to them.

it's all a bit ridiculous, really. i know this.

there's a huge light pinpointing these untruths in my heart, and i can only imagine it's His goodness and mercy drawing me closer to Him. adoption is a powerful force - an intimate reminder of who we are and how we fit into His kingdom. and the beauty? the mystery of it all?

He loves us now. in the dirt. in the grime. in the frozen-fear of untruth and twisted logic. i am His daughter and He loves me as i am and nothing will change this.

i don't pretend to know the inner-workings of His plan. i'm not sure if we'll get the phone call today or six months from now. i'm learning though, His love is enough. in the wait and in the wondering, He is enough.

and just as He's called me to be His daughter with no strings attached, i'll get to experience the joy of doing the same with our child.

Posted on April 24, 2012 and filed under Faith.