God only allows pain if He's allowing something new to be born - Ann Voskamp
I haven't written here lately because honestly, things are difficult.
When I first saw the picture of our birth mom, something settled deep within my chest. It was a feeling of rightness - a feeling that yes - this moment, this second - was all predetermined.
And then we met her, and my heart leaned toward hers and I grew quiet because goodness. She's Devonte's age. She could have been any one of my students these past few years. Yet her story is her story and I didn't know how to act, didn't know how to love, didn't know how to properly thank her for this gift.
We exchanged phone numbers and both spoke to our social worker after lunch. The confidence was good. Everyone was happy. With ten weeks to go, Russ and I started planning and soon ten turned to nine and then eight...
...and now we're at five and a half weeks.
Five and a half weeks - at least according to the due date. It could be sooner or later or...never.
I can't imagine what it's like to be pregnant and know that the baby you feel kicking your ribs will grow up in someone else's home. I can't. But I'd be lying if I said I didn't understand why our birth mom wavers. And while the reasons are few - they each hold their own insurmountable weight and I feel this inherent need to protect her. To pull her close and whisper I understand.
How do you give the Answer to one who doesn't know the question?
The other day, our social worker called and asked for some information to update our home study just in case. She mentioned the possibility of a conference call between our birth mom and a supervisor because there were some questions she had - questions we've already answered but she's still unsure about because she's reaching - for anything, really. I remained calm throughout the phone call, but once we hung up and I glanced toward the empty closet which will soon be a mini-nursery, I broke.
I emailed friends, asking them to pray because God-Almighty I was feeling vulnerable and scared and a little like this baby was slipping through my fingers. And within seconds one responded with He is faithful to finish and another texted this will be about faith, Braveheart.
And I know they're right. All of them.
But it's hard. I never knew this whole control thing was an issue to me and it is - it so is. I'm sensing His presence - feeling the need to let go and fall into a deeper place of trust. And of course, I wonder if He'll catch me in the way I think is best.
I've mentioned before that my biggest prayer throughout this entire process has been that God would be known and people would look at our situation and see Him. Not by our strength but His - right? And now, in the middle of a countdown where I feel the earth shake beneath me because this may definitely not work out in the end, I wonder if that prayer was too dangerous. Too risky. I kind of want to pull it back, say just kidding and move along with another more comfortable route.
But I know that's just my fear talking.
If you pray, would you pray for our birth mom? Not that she would be convinced or manipulated, but that she would feel love and acceptance and a peace that makes no sense in the middle of this situation. Pray we would know how to hold her heart and love her the way she needs to be loved. Pray for the baby, that God would protect her and whisper Truth even now - even in the womb.
And pray for us - pray for His glory, pray for finances, pray for peace even now.