on the eve of holidays.

Little one, I remember two years ago, right about now, I fought for control over our life without you. Your mother can be selfish in so many ways, and in those moments, I craved comfort.

And motherhood is anything but comfortable.

But we jumped in, as we always do. Your papa and I aren't known for decisions that make much sense. We like it this way - forces us to rely on faith.

Like now.

There was talk of Halloween at the dinner table tonight. Costumes brainstormed and party invites discussed. It made the old ache return - deep in my chest - because only a few weeks ago I believed there was a chance we'd see you by then. I even stopped a few times at some of the tiny dog-eared suits and lady-bugged bottoms.

But if you weren't going to be here by then, you'd definitely be here by Thanksgiving, and I remembered the Mama's Little Turkey shirt I almost placed in the cart when papa and I went to look at carseats.

And well...let's not get into Christmas. Not yet. My heart's too tender to think of another one spent waiting without you.

Can I tell you something? It's hard right now - this keeping the faith. I don't understand why we would need to believe we were so close to having you in our arms only to find out we have longer to wait. And I know in the end, it still may not make sense but at least we'll know you really were out there waiting - that there really was someone who needed a mom and dad.

I'm tired of answering questions. Tired of these empty arms. Tired of the road that seems covered with challenges.

Two years ago, on the eve of holidays, I breathed in the cooler air and believed with all of my heart you and I would find each other. Despite my fear, despite the knowing of just how hard this process would be or why adoption would be our plan A -

I knew.

And now?

And now, I'm a little sad and a lot disappointed that our Christmas card will seem lacking without you in it.

But here's where everything shifts - here's where I remind you (and me because you know how forgetful I can be about these things) there is no lacking in the plan of Christ and right now our family is full to the brim of love and just waiting for you to spill it over.

Our God always sets the lonely in families - and we are no exception.

Will you hurry to us? We're here. Waiting.

Posted on October 18, 2012 and filed under Letters.