I walked into church hesitantly yesterday. We're in the middle of the Adopted series and in so many ways it's wrecking me - rearranging things in my heart and placing them where they belong while quieting so many lies I've been hearing over the past month. And yesterday was no different.
The sermon started with this video and Matt saying, "do you see the man's look on his face when he first sees his son? This is nothing compared to how God feels about you - His child."
And my heart shattered there in a million pieces even though I've seen this video before because that realization of God watching me and looking at me in that tender of a way - it just brought everything home.
Over the past few years, Russ and I have received a lot of questions about the why of our adoption. And I fight a lot with resentment, because it's as if suddenly your personal life is on display for others and nothing is off limits - even the question of why don't you just have your own kids?
And let me just answer that question here once and for all :: We are having our own child and it's through adoption. For us, adoption is plan A.
The deeper we look at scripture, the more we realize the parallels between the Gospel and adoption. For so many reasons, this is why we chose to adopt. It's because God loved us first. It's because even in our deepest pain, He brought us out and rescued us.
This doesn't mean we're rescuing a child. Far from it. By our imperfect hands we'd make things worse. However, because of the love He's shown us and how He'd adopted us into His family, we're able to turn around and do the same.
It's not that I'm surprised - because I've experienced God enough to know everything is for my good - but I'm beginning to understand His heart more and more even through these past few weeks of heartache. Yesterday, watching the Chens' reaction and thinking about the day we get the phone call that there really is a baby waiting for us - it just made my heart twist in on herself with longing.
It was then I heard Him - softly - this is how I feel about you, Elora! THIS. What you've been through? How you hurt? It makes me hurt. You are my daughter. Do you know how much I love you? Just trust Me. Let me Father you. I want to Father you.
I'd be lying if I said in that moment everything changed - because it didn't. I still struggle understanding. But, I'm learning to trust and learning once again what it means to abide in His love.
And in the arms of my Father I will rest.