words as unexpected gifts.

About a month and a half ago, God began moving in me to take a step of faith and complete NaNoWriMo. For those of you who don't know what this is, it's where a bunch of people go crazy for a month and try to write 50,000 words, which is the length of a short novel. I've done it before - I did it with Come Alive. And I think for a long time, there was this thought inside that if He were asking me to do NaNoWriMo, it must mean that He wanted me to write a novel, and that by the end of November I would have 50,000 solid words toward the possible ending of a new book. ...

I didn't have any idea what I would write about until November 1. About two weeks in, I figured out my conflict. Just today, 40,000+ words into the month, I realized most of the words I've written and slaved over won't ever see the light of day. It took me the whole month just to figure out what the novel can be about - so really, I've experienced what it means to write yourself into a completely different book.

Which, a lot of this makes sense. Before signing up for coffee binging word chaos, my risk factor was fairly low when it came to writing. Why spend so much time on a piece when no one would read it? That's dumb. But, I was feeling a pull to create quietly and with less fanfare. It's been fun to play around with characters and lose myself in writing.

And plus, I needed the distraction.

Can I be honest here for a second? There were times these past few weeks where I almost forgot about the adoption. For a little while, I wasn't "the girl who was supposed to have a daughter by now" - I was just...Elora. The writer. There were still moments where the angst and the frustration snuck up on me and the desperation of just the whole entire process of wait made it difficult to breathe, but I pushed that pain into my writing. And now, at the end of November, it seems like forever ago when we got the call about our adoption falling apart. I feel like a different person. Maybe a little more grounded in reality? I don't know. There are still days where I realize I've fallen back into the mindset of "this will never happen" - but I try to keep those thoughts at bay.

Which is why I'm thankful for how God brings the unexpected - even if they are words - at moments where we feel our heart may burst.

Posted on November 28, 2012 and filed under Mom-Heart.