Posts filed under Thoughts

in which i am reminded :: He finishes what He starts

we really need you to get your paperwork in...i have pregnant moms waiting. this was said to me a few weeks ago by my caseworker. i don't think i'll ever forget that moment, because i was taking a sip of water at my desk and i nearly spewed liquid all over my computer screen.

they have waiting pregnant moms. 

these past few months have been a little surreal. for one reason or another, we've felt this divine push to get things done. it's all happening soon, isn't it Father? i'd ask and the tug on my Spirit was like Him squeezing my hand.

so really, this comment by our caseworker wasn't surprising - but it still made me catch my breath.

we ended up sending in the rest of the paperwork by the end of the week, and they received it this past wednesday. knowing homestudies can take a few weeks to process and approve, i called tuesday to see if maybe - possibly - we could have things wrapped up by friday for a grant we were pursuing.

"but i mean...if not, no worries - we can apply for the december deadline."

there was silence on the other end of the line and then a slight clearing of her throat. "no - no, we can definitely try for friday."

we got the phone call friday afternoon that we're officially approved.

i can't help but think the emotions i felt were similar to when a woman's water breaks. excitement, fear, overwhelming wonder...

it just so happens our caseworker will be in town tomorrow for a meeting. because of this, she's taking the opportunity to stop by the house for us to sign the agreement and to give us some last minute training papers. we never knew it would happen so quickly so we're not prepared for the full payment due on signing, but we're not worried. 

yesterday, a friend sent me a message asking me how much we had left. i replied, "4800" - knowing this seems impossible for only a few days.

she ended up donating more than i ever thought possible, saying "listen: God is faithful to finish. He always finishes what He starts."

and i think back on this past year and a half. i think of the quickening i felt to begin the process, the choosing of ethiopia and the immediate halting of that decision. i remember the breaking i felt for domestic adoption, and the way our agency fully embraced us. i remember the timing, the frustration at not being able to find moments to fill out paperwork but knowing the pruning taking shape in both our hearts.

but most of all, i remember the steady upswing of this mama's heart, knowing my baby is coming soon, and praying daily for the strength to make it through this season of jubilee.

because of this, i know :: He is faithful to complete what He started. perhaps this is why i'm not freaking out about tomorrow's meeting. whether we receive the funds or not, i know He's placed us in this time and space for a reason. and for this, i'm at a loss for words.

Posted on April 15, 2012 and filed under Faith, Thoughts.

fear-turned-wait

walking through target i heard the mom before the daughter. look at you, beautiful.

i turned my gaze and smiled at the legs bent in half and the arms cradling a girl in tutu and leggings. she giggled against her mom's neck and bounced up and down in glee.

that's when my heart cracked.

it hits when i least expect it, this fear-turned-waiting. some days, i secretly gloat over the time between now and then - when i'll nuzzle my own against my neck and whisper you're beautifuls or how handsomes. i know at this moment, to hand me a child i'd break in two. i see this in the hesitancy of little girls resting on my lap and waiting for a story. i see this in the shrug of paperwork and the inability to connect my life with little hands and wobbly legs. i hear phrases from growing up, thoughts from others that echoed you know, couples who have no children tend to be selfish.

and i promise this isn't selfishness but self-preservation.

but.

the fissures form in moments where i remember stick-figured families haphazardly drawn on construction paper and i think of the millions of children who can't draw this and our child who won't be able to draw this until we hold him for the first time and oh! my mom-heart sings. i want this. i really, really want this.

i'm learning to dwell in this ache - this tension. the in-between is hard and makes square-in-the-eye honesty uncomfortable. but slowly, this mom-heart is taking over and more than anything, i want to hear the tiny giggles of play in my home.

and this realization brings some wide-eyed fear-turned wait.

______________

switching it up a little and writing imperfect prose on our adoption blog. have you subscribed yet? we'd love to have you follow along in our story of bringing home our child{ren} from ethiopia...

 

 

Posted on April 20, 2011 and filed under Thoughts.

start somewhere.

april 5 will mark five months since we began this process. it's been almost four since we've really made any headway.

part of this is because of some things God's bringing to the surface - parts of our story He has yet to redeem. it's always difficult when refinement happens, but throw in juggling the process of adoption and well...it probably explains why the application sits on our dresser untouched since late november.

i've wanted to update for almost two months. there's just been nothing and everything to say. russ is on his way home from africa now - and i'm recuperating from a surprise surgery and the windwhipped feeling of standing in God's presence. i've wrestled a lot in the past month. sat in the same room and conversed with some of the most giving and audacious people in the realm of orphan care at ideacamp. felt the familiar ache of knowing God wants me to step into the world of motherhood and then the suffocating fear of failing.

so, i'm making an attempt to start somewhere. hopefully over the next few weeks i can fill you in on everything that's happened since 2011 brought on more challenges russ & i have seen in our five years of marriage. in a way, it serves as an encouragement. resistance often points to us walking the right path. in other ways, it's absolutely exhausting and i fight turning and running every day.

but then i dream of russ holding our baby boy, and the moment an e-mail will reveal years of waiting wrapped in a tiny smile. then, everything seems worth it. in that moment, i'd do anything to have this process complete and i'm given new strength to make it another day.

Posted on March 20, 2011 and filed under Thoughts.

breathing fresh.

you know, i contemplated for a long while what to do with this site. i mean, i knew the purpose - but i didn't know the avenue. i prayed, i wrestled, i'm pretty sure i even cried because let's face it...i'm an emotional basket case these days. but then i realized, thanks to my amazing husband, every once in awhile it's okay to breathe fresh.

you won't find much here for awhile - i'm still meandering my way through posts & determining what needs to be said. i never anticipated this journey, but now i can't imagine myself anywhere else.

until later...

- e

Posted on November 9, 2010 and filed under Thoughts.