the weight of emptiness.

I found the post in the midst of archives, one speaking of mother arms and what it meant to feel the weight of emptiness.

I found it and took note of the date - nearly eleven months ago - and I shook my head.

Because a year ago, when I wrote that post, I would have never believed you if you tried to tell me what the next few months would include.

Letting go of my position at work and publishing a book and {finally!} getting the phone call we were praying for - we were going to have a daughter - and then...

...and then nothing.

Silence.

Our placement fell through and the publishing agency closed its doors. And for someone who struggles to dream, I felt the earth give way.

I said the right things. I took risks and started a business and created an eCourse. But when anyone asked me how I was doing, the split second between the question and my smile said it all - 

- I stopped believing it would happen.

I did. I stopped believing there was someone out there waiting for parents like us and I stopped believing that the end result for this whole process would be a baby. It was as if emotionally, I couldn't take it anymore. So I served up a righteous helping of denial and made myself comfortable.

But thankfully, He doesn't ever let us forget His promises.

Reminders came in stumbling across posts I'd written about His faithfulness. Or a message from a friend letting me know she was thinking of me. Or holding another friend's baby boy and praying for him - for his story - for what God has for him and knowing deep in my gut that this would be me soon. 

Because waiting mama arms never lose the weight of emptiness.

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Posted on March 14, 2013 and filed under Mom-Heart.