sometimes, my arms ache with the weight of their emptiness.
this afternoon, i stood in the baby aisle of target. the nesting instinct hit without warning and without a second glance i stopped and gathered together essentials we would need when we got the call. when i turned and looked at my cart, full to the brim of baby things, i could feel the emptiness roaring up inside me.
do you know how much your mama misses you?
the question falls on loose air…i think of the irony: missing something not yet held. i know it’s possible. i feel it in my bones. maybe this is the mother instinct? it’s the sudden rush of emotion that both freezes me in place and rushes forward to action.
and i shame myself. a cart full of baby things? when we haven’t even been placed? when we still have thousands left to pay? i turn away from the diapers and bottles and formula and walk out the door, my feet heavy with want and fear.
i reach for earlier in the week, when my serenity seemed boundless. when it’s time it’ll just happen! i told our case worker with glowing confidence. i rested in His knowing despite the ever-present mystery of it all.
but today? today i could pull out my heart if it meant i would get to see the face i will call my own.
and this is the emotion that scares me.
it’s the life flowing deep inside – the turning of my heart from stone. my lack of trust equates to the fear of disappointment – the waiting of the fist to fall – the emotions to be found wanting and selfish.
even though i know the Truth – i’ve known it since the moment i took the first step – i am a mother.
a mother waiting.